I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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