Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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