went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
