My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
