there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
