I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
That accounts for only three of the penises
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
