Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
3 2 1 whiskey
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
