using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Just cropdusted the office
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
