i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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