yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
