fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
