i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
