I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
