Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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