She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
