sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
