I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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