Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Blood and glitter go together right?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
