i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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