Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
