So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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