At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
