i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
