The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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