I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
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