I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
