I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
