i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
