drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
