Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
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