I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
