Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
