there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
