Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
