Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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