I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
