I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
