I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
