my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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