you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
