He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
