i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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