"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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