you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
