dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
