anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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