I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
