i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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