I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
That was before I lit my hair on fire
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
