I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
