I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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