don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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