You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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