Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
