Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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