I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
