I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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